The Oracle

Issue date: 3/5/10 Section: Opinion

groundhog

Every year on the second of February, the famous Punxsutawney Phil pops out of the ground to predict the weather for the next six weeks. Coincidentally, Groundhog Day is exactly six weeks before the first day of spring.

Regardless of how pointless the holiday is, Groundhog Day is a national tradition that rednecks and elementary school children would really miss if it were to be corrupted by crazy vegan extremists.

People for the Ethical Treatment of Animals is trying to do just that. It recently proposed instead of using Phil the groundhog, a mechanical varmint should be created and used for this already absurd holiday.

PETA believes that the lights and noise poor, furry Phil is exposed to on this holiday is bad for him and that creating a mutant robot metal contraption made to look like Phil that will supposedly know to look at its own artificial shadow, is the best solution.

Did I mention that Phil is kept in a climate controlled area and is probably living in better conditions than the average child raised in a middle class family?

I was a vegetarian for a long time and even I see how ridiculous this proposal is. Have these people lost their vegan marbles? Or are they just bored of tossing blood on people wearing fur?

This is like outlawing the Easter Bunny and replacing him with a plastic rabbit. Can't a fuzzy little animal keep a job anymore?

The amount of money and work an engineer would have to put into making a robotic groundhog, and to make it function properly for years to come, is probably enough to feed a needy American family for quite a while. I am no engineering genius, but surely that'd be an expensive endeavor for something so utterly pointless.

Maybe every few years official groundhogs can retire and get replaced by younger, friskier groundhogs. Phil might be tired of his "job" at this point. The world still has zoos though. Those animals get gawked at everyday and kids throw snow-cones at them every once in a while.

I don't hear vegans crying about that nearly as often, so why is PETA so worried about this one groundhog who probably eats better than I do?

There was even a professor so inspired by this idiotic idea he made it a project in his classroom to make an animatronics groundhog.

I think there are plenty of important things on which we as Americans should be focused, such as issues in health care and technology that will save human lives, instead of the comfort of a rodent.

I'm not insinuating that we shouldn't be nice to the little, fluffy creatures. However, the improvement of the lives of human beings is a much worthier feat.

But hey, I could say to my future grandkids "Oh, I remember way back when the groundhog was a real live groundhog!" and they could all oh and ah at how ancient I must be and go back to tweeting.

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